The foundation for submitting is built on submitting to God first. Believers submit to every applicable word that is written for each of us. Some of God’s words are for men, and some are for women. Some are for husbands and others are for wives, and some apply to all of us equally.
It’s a blessing and an honor to submit to all of our Father’s instructions. But sometimes we get out of balance and emphasize instructions for other people while forgetting to check ourselves first. Such is the case in marriages where we husbands frequently have more expectations for our spouses than we expect of our own walk.
There are men who demand that a wife submit to him without considering God’s instructions first for husbands. Submitting to God’s instructions will determine how wives submit to husbands. Men demand an unbalanced submission without regard to their own complete submission to our Father. In a marriage context, there are more instructions for a husband than there are for a wife. For instance, a husband is tasked with washing his wife with the Word.
Ephesians 5:25–32 ESV. Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body. “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church.
Submission to God depends on our view of Him and is directly related to how well we know Him. If He seems to us to be a remote, arbitrary tyrant who makes rules that we can’t possibly obey, then we will resist submitting to Him. If, however, He is a loving, forgiving, merciful and compassionate God who encourages us to follow His ways because they are life-giving and easy to obey, then submission for both husband and wife is a piece of cake.
In fact, God loves us so much that He sacrificed His only begotten Son to restore us as sons and daughters. All we have to do is accept what He did and follow His ways, just like we do with an earthly, loving father. If we expect a wife to submit, then we must first be like an earthly, loving copy of our Father. Yeshua/Jesus is a beautiful example for us to follow.
1 Corinthians 11:2–3 ESV. Now I commend you because you remember me in everything and maintain the traditions even as I delivered them to you. But I want you to understand that the head of every man is Christ, the head of a wife is her husband, and the head of Christ is God.
Husbands have the responsibility to void a wife’s vow if he hears of it and does not agree, as we are instructed in Numbers 30. If a husband divorces his wife and she marries another then is divorced from that man, the previous husband may not remarry her. The husband has authority over his wife’s body (and she over his), which applies to care and concern for her well-being as well as for intimate relations according to Paul in 1 Corinthians 7. Husbands are not to divorce their wives even in the event of unbelief, so long as she wants to stay married.
Women have a tendency to go their own way (and husbands aren’t guiltless in this either), which has been the trend since the Garden. Just because our Father said “he will rule over you” (Genesis 3:16) does not give license to be a tyrannical despot. A wife can’t be forced to change, but they can generally be led to change. Men are the leaders (or rulers if you will) which means we are to lead our families to the Father as we follow His example.
1 Corinthians 14:33–35 ESV. For God is not a God of confusion but of peace. As in all the churches of the saints, the women should keep silent in the churches. For they are not permitted to speak, but should be in submission, as the Law also says. If there is anything they desire to learn, let them ask their husbands at home. For it is shameful for a woman to speak in church.
We like to use this Scripture from Paul to keep women from speaking in our assemblies (which is another subject) but the flip side is that husbands are to answer our wives’ questions and teach them. This implies that the husband is taking time to study and learn, and reinforces unity. If a wife is being “washed” well, she will probably have fewer questions anyway. Husbands are also admonished to avoid harshness (which includes being a tyrant) with their wives.
Colossians 3:19 ESV. Husbands, love your wives, and do not be harsh with them.
Husbands have many godly responsibilities, and we should take care to apply ourselves to those first and many of the other issues will solve themselves. If a husband is pointing his finger at a wife’s failings, it is probable that his own lack of submission to his responsibilities is lacking. A wife will generally follow and submit to a husband if he is following God’s instructions for him because it’s in her nature to respond to love. Peter amplifies our focus.
1 Peter 3:7 ESV. Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered.
A woman thinks and feels in ways that her husband finds puzzling at the least. It can be frustrating because men and women are – news flash – different. Men tend to think objectively, and women subjectively, or more according to her feelings. Wives and husbands can both be wrong, and both act according to pride, the flesh or sin nature. Understanding and forgiveness go a long way in encouraging submission in both parties.
Galatians 5:25 ESV. If we live by the Spirit, let us also keep in step with the Spirit.
Shalom